Get Your Dream Life

After I had the huge highs in February from the Ascension Programme, I found that I came crashing back to Earth, as all the old beliefs about Money and Financial Prosperity came surging to the surface.

February and March were probably some of the hardest months I have had in a very long time. Everything seemed to be shut down and everything I tried only seemed to make our situation worse.

It was very frustrating and hugely stressful.

It all finally came to a head in April, when the family dog developed a nasty growth on his tail stump and needed an operation to have it removed – and I did not have the money to pay for it!

The Growth was really nasty and the more he licked it and fussed with it, the worse it got.

The Vet told us that it was going to cost over £200 (approx $300 USD) for an operation to remove this growth. This was £200 that we did not have and could not see any way of paying for it. We decided that we would wait and leave it, in the hope that either it would get better on its own or that the money would come in from somewhere and we could use it for the dog before it got swallowed up on paying for something else.

One weekend, this growth had turned really nasty and it smelt horrible. The dog was licking it at constantly and it left a horrible stain on the furniture and the carpet, everywhere he went.

At the time, I was reading a book called “Freedom Is” by Brandon Bays and in it, she talks about accepting things exactly as they are, giving up fighting and efforting and trying to change things.

This was a very strange concept to me, as I could not see how on earth that could make any difference.

There was a meditation in the book to help with this.

Out of sheer desperation, I read through it and followed the instructions, to try and find some calm, peace and perhaps some clarity as to what I could do in this situation.

During the Meditation I came to a place of accepting that the situation was exactly perfect as it was right then, it was exactly as it was meant to be and that the Universe would take care of it with no further effort from me.

I came to a place of peace and being able to accept the facts of the situation -   the dog had a huge, smelly growth on his tail stump and that I had no money to pay for surgery for him.

I did the Acceptance Meditation on a Sunday evening. As I was doing it, I felt a very strong intuitive prompt that I should phone the Vet the following morning and book the dog in to have the growth removed.

I then got a second prompt to go to the bank and ask for the money to pay for it. That second suggestion caused me to break into laughter, as I really could not see how, in a million years, any bank was gong to lend me any money!

However I followed the prompts. The appointment for the operation for the dog was set for the Wednesday of that week and the bank gave me the money I needed!!

On the Tuesday morning I put the dog out in the garden because he was licking and biting at this growth on his tail stump. When I next went outside and looked at the dog, the growth was gone!

It appeared that he had taken matters into his own teeth and had ripped off this growth and eaten it! All that was left was a little red spot. All it cost us then was about £30 (approx $50) for an appointment at the Vet and some cream for the place where the growth had been.

When I handed the matter over to the Universe to take care of, I could never have envisaged the way it would get handled!

I have found this process to be hugely powerful. Every time, I have used it, something has shifted in my energies and the situation has resolved itself.

I have created my own Acceptance package to help with this process. It has an ebook, which explains how to use it and also a guided meditation, to help you to come to a place of peace over  situation that may be causing you stress in your life.

http://www.getyourdreamlife.com/acceptance.htm

I will be writing more on this subject because I think it is hugely important and it has helped me enormously in my life.

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

I have been working with an amazing man called Dr Maurice Turmel on a terrific programme called “Ascension Training for the Western Mindset”.

I have had some terrific results in Clearing away old Limiting Beliefs and Baggage and generally feeling much happier with myself and more at peace with the world in general.

You can read all about the life-changing results I have had in the last few weeks, in a very gentle way,  on my blog post by clicking the link below:

http://getyourdreamlife.com/dream-life-blog/?p=218

You can now obtain this fantastic programme as a series of 12 gorgeous meditations, and two really helpful books called “The Voice” and the workbook for the course, which is “Conscious Evolution.”

There is plenty of help and support from Maurice and me in the forum area.

Please go to the Ascension Training Centre page

Ascension Training Centre

and click on the page that says “Preview” for an overview of the programme, including a lovely sample meditation.

If you would like an accelerated way to clear old emotional baggage and blocks from the past and would like to move rapidly towards a place of happiness, abundance and peace, then please check out this programme.

I can honestly say I have made more progress with this programme in the last few weeks, than I have done with any personal growth programme – ever!

Dr Turmel has also made a very generous payment programme available, so everyone  take advantageous of this life-changing programme. (You will need to email him directly for details).

Have a wonderful day.
With abundant blessings.
Amanda Goldston

Last week, my dear friend Dr Maurice Turmel did a call on “Ascension into the 5th Dimension” and it was wonderful.

Here are the details for the replay of the call by Dr Maurice Turmel on Ascension to 5th Dimension Consciousness.

http://ascensiontrainingcentre.com/preview

This was a terrific call. Dr Maurice explained really well the terms of “5th dimension,” “ascension”, “consciousness”, “self acceptance” and “connection with your own Source.”

It was a brilliant and you can listen to it for free.

Dr Maurice also did a short meditation from part one of the programme. It is one of my favourite meditations and it is gorgeous. It is the gentlest “psychological flush” I have ever experienced.

Please enjoy the call.
With abundant blessings.
Amanda Goldston

I have been working a lot recently with my great friend Dr Maurice Turmel PhD of the Ascension Training Centre

Whilst I have to admit, I don’t really understand the concepts and ideas, following this programme has had a profound impact on my life.

Here is a guest Article by Dr Maurice Turmel himself to explain the Ascension Process to you.

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Are You Ready for 5th Dimensional Consciousness?

Maurice Turmel PhD

We are witnessing events of great magnitude on the Earth right now.  Very recently we saw the latest in terms of catastrophe and suffering as we witnessed the collapse of cities and towns in Haiti.  A small island nation has been rocked by an earthquake and has succumbed to the forces of the Earth’s internal movements. Our friends from the ethereal advise that such movements have only just begun.  There will be more of these events as the planet readies itself for Ascension.

Moving from 3rd Dimensional Density Consciousness to 5th Dimensional Ascended Consciousness is about clearing the psychological debris of our 3D lives

Our individual purposes are clear.  We must release our internal garbage and make our way out of 3rd dimensional density consciousness to that ascended state in the 5th dimension using Psychology as our foundation.  There is no substitute for psychology’s presence and availability to Western Culture.  This is the tool of choice for cleansing and ridding ourselves of past injustices, and all that trauma and abuse suffered at the hands of our caretakers.

These hurtful experiences turn out to be the substantial lessons we created to help us navigate the effects of The Fall, so we could open ourselves to the imminent possibilities offered by upcoming shift into a New Age.  This point cannot be overstressed.  We chose these troubling circumstances for our growth and we are now at the doorstep of graduating from their effects.  Today’s psychology, derived from ancient mythology, provides the best resource for this cleansing effort.  It makes each and every one of us responsible for all the activities necessary to move through those initial challenges.

Spiritual Psychology relies upon Personal Responsibility and Conscious Choosing

Psychology’s reliance on personal responsibility, as a foundation for change, is the key to unlocking our inner world.  It also satisfies that need for those valued feelings of personal mastery, which other systems of ascension do not emphasize.  Systems that advise us of what’s possible without our inner involvement can be categorized as external applications.  They do not sufficiently prepare us for the self-responsibility that is essential to our successful navigation of the Ascension Process.

Here’s the deal as I understand it.  If you take responsibility for yourself and all of your actions, you are guaranteed a solid growth experience by virtue of your personal involvement.  If you allow someone else, or some externally applied system, to deliver their brand of Ascension, you are subject to their rules rather than those generated from within.  There is no substitute for personal responsibility.  Anything that requires you to be a passive recipient will not deliver on this crucial point.

Ascension Training for the Western Mindset

The Ascension Training Program offered here places you at the center of the process.  It immediately calls upon you to take responsibility for all your actions, in and out of the program itself.  Your achievements become yours to celebrate.  Your acceleration of the pulse is an act you initiate.  With psychology’s internal referents as guide, you are always at the center of the action.

You can never say the system failed you because it didn’t deliver a satisfying experience of Ascension.  With psychology as your main guide, you engage and steer the process of Ascension. As the process’s central character, you bring to yourself the experiences that allow you to move out of  the morass of 3D conflicts you were born into.  You brought yourself this far, now it’s time for the next step. Applying psychology to your ascension process makes you both director and receiver of all incoming influences.  Your psychological homework, as directed by you, is simply an efficient manner in which to make receiving possible.

Current Influx of New Energies

The energies coming into our world at this time are free.  We have to open ourselves to their arrival and integrate them into our physical and spiritual bodies.  Little else matters in we don’t grasp that simple fact. Once open to receiving, we will take command of those energies as we take them into our service. As directors, we decide when and where.  Be advised that there is no escaping the consequences of inaction. We are solely responsible for Ascension’s success or failure at this point.

This is the main difference between this approach to Ascension and those that purport to just hand over what you need. There is no passive receiving in this program.  You are always at the center of the action from the moment you sign on. You will quickly realize that this is your time to be activated, and that you must be involved in order to be successfully launched.

Time to Activate Your Mission

We all have a mission that must be engaged at this time of great transition.  It is no accident that we are here.  And it is no accident that you found your way to this program.  You have been doing your growth work for years, preparing yourself for this very moment, just as I have have spent the last 4 decades of my life preparing to deliver this program.  It will not take long to get you up to speed and clear away the final remnants of your 3D challenges.  Current students are amazed at how fast this final cleansing stage is completed while the foundations of their individual missions are being revealed to them.  Before incarnating, you made several promises.  Now is the time to deliver on those promises.

NOW IS THE TIME!

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For more information on this truly amazing programme, please go the Ascension Training Centre

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

On 16th December 2009, I embarked on a Journey of Personal and Spiritual Growth with a man that I had been introduced to by a mutual friend.

I had no real idea what I was undertaking and very little understanding of the words being used.

This man, Dr Maurice Turmel PhD, talked about “consciousness” and “ascension” and “5th dimension ” and other terms that I was only vaguely familiar with.

However, something felt totally right for me and I got started with the programme, with no real idea of what to expect.

It has been totally life-changing for me!

I have made more progress in the last 7 weeks with my personal growth than I have done in 20 years of personal development work.

Through a combination of Maurice’s fantastic books “Conscious Evolution” and “The Voice“, through Journaling all my feelings (I am on Journal 11 now) and going through the 12 gorgeous guided meditations, I have been able to:

• Completely clear away the pain, anger, frustration and very negative emotions from a 30 year relationship going back into my childhood – and the biggest surprise with this was a genuine request to try to repair the damage that came from that person and a totally unexpected gift!
• Deal with and heal  the grief from the death of my beloved Nan within about 10 days- and I thought that would take me a life-time!
• Discover a long-standing, intense dislike of myself and clear and heal that, so that my eating has changed completely and I am starting to release surplus weight- and this is without any conscious effort on my part.
• Identify and heal the biggest fear that I had in my life, which was a fear of my own Personal Power. I have been telling people for years that out Greatest Fear is a fear of our Greatness (as Marianne Williamson said in her brilliant pom) but it never occurred to me that it was also MY greatest fear.
• Finally recognisethe blocks that have been holding me back in relation to MONEY – and it actually had nothing at all to with finances.
• Find a direction to take my life and business, which incorporates all the things that I have done and created previously and which will be of service and value to a lot of people. I would never have had the confidence to even contemplate that project before . (More details soon)

I have to say this has been the most fantastic programme I have ever undertaken! And, believe me, I have done a lot of different things!

The beauty of it is that it is very simple.However, it does require some work and a willingness to look inside yourself  at your emotions and old beliefs.

The clearing process is through the 12 beautiful guided meditations and Journaling your emotions. Maurice has set up a forum to help with questions and to support you through the process.

Maurice is holding a couple of FREE Preview teleconference calls on Tuesday 9th February 2010 at 2pm EST and 7pm EST and on Monday 15th February at the same times.

If you would like to make some dramatic shifts in your life in the next 6 weeks, then please come along to the Preview call.

I have become a different person in the last 7 weeks and I now feel so much freer,  as I have finally truly identified and been willing to release the garbage and baggage of the past.

This is a great time to to do this type of work as the rising Earth energies are supporting us- and the really great thing is that – once you release this stuff, it is gone forever andf you don’t need to allow any of it to hold you back ever again!

Highly recommended.

Click on the link below to find out more and to register for the FREE preview call.

Ascencion Training Centre

I have been so impressed with the results I have had that I am helping Maurice in the Forum area, to offer support to others.

Please check it out.

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

I have been working a lot on myself recently, clearing all of the emotional baggage and unhelpful limiting beliefs from the past.

I was doing a wonderful guided meditation a few days ago with a good friend of mine. The meditation took me into a wonderful garden, which was full of beautiful souls.

Just as I walked in, there, right in the middle of MY GARDEN, with a huge silly grin on her face was a person I have been trying to detox from my life!

How dare she invade my beautiful garden and my wonderful meditation!!!!

In the meditation I saw myself forcibly eject her from the garden and put her behind the hedge at the back. However, no matter how much I tried to block her out and to build a bigger and higher hedge, she was still there looking at me. She had a mixture of this silly grin and sadness on her face.

Ggggggrrrrrrrhhhh!!!!!

Needless to say I did not really enjoy my meditation very much. When I finished, I told my friend about the incident and he said some very profound words.

He told I was ot to eject her from the garden, but I was to talk to her and ask her what message she had for me. It might be that she was reflecting back to me something about myself that I was did not like or did not want to see.

Sometimes I really dislike this personal growth stuff!  – Especially when the inward exploration is difficult and uncomfortable, as I knew instantly this inner probing was going to be.

“I want you to write her a letter,” my friend continued, ” and tell her all the reasons that you are grateful for having been in your life and the lessons and gifts she has brought you – as difficult a person she may be and as much as you want her OUT of your life.”

I could feel a huge “procrastination to-do list”  (such as dog walk, email checking, shopping and hundreds of other time wasting exercises) coming on before I tackled this one.

However, I knew he was right and I found some comfort from his final remarks- “Once you have understood the lessons or the gifts, she will just fade out of your life.”

The more I thought about this, the more I realised that this woman does not like herself in anyway shape or form and seems to have gone to great lengths to “abuse” (for want of a better word)  herself in all areas of her life.

She makes strange, ill-thought- out decisions around money, which seem to me to put her in a position of permanent lack. Having done that, she then seems to blame everyone else for her problems and expect her friends or the Universe to bail her out.

The more I thought about her and the things about her that I did not like, the more uncomfortable I became.

I had to admit to myself that I had also done similar things around money and there had been many occasions where I had not been at all kind or loving towards myself.

It would be fair to say I had abused my body with overeating and lack of exercise and had deprived myself of love and fun in a lot of ways.

It became very obvious that she was holding up a mirror to me and reflecting me back to me. They do say that cameras and mirrors don’t  lie. Well, this mirror was not lying!

Once I allowed myself to acknowledge all of this, I wrote it all out in my journal. As the feelings of self-loathing started to surface, I allowed myself to experience them all and kept writing until I could write no more.

I was listening to one of the Abundant Mystic teleseminar series and the lady was talking about Ho’oponopono.

This is a Hawaiian method of healing, reconciliation and forgiveness which consists of 4 short sentences and essentially you heal yourself for your part in this relationship going wrong – or at least that is my understanding of it.

The 4 sentences are:

• I am Sorry
• Please Forgive Me
• Thank You
• I Love You

I had heard of this before and never really felt that I had got much from it, however it seemed totally appropriate at that moment, so I started repeating those 4 sentences over and over, whilst thinking about this woman and also about the “Mirror of Lack of Self Love” that she had held up to me.

It took a while, but I felt the feelings start to release.

I finally released the last remnants of it at a fantastic workshop I attended at the weekend, where I broke an arrow that had one end placed against a block of wood and the point was in the soft part of my throat.

Too me, it was a symbolic release of all that lack of self love that had built up over years.

More on that very shortly!

My friend was right. Once I could acknowledge and release the lack of self love for myself, the woman concerned seems to have faded from my life. She has certainly not invaded any more of my meditations.

Perhaps it really is true that we learn our greatest lessons from the most difficult people in our lives.  I am very grateful to that lady for bringing me these lessons and I wish her peace, love, happiness, health and prosperity in her own life.

we are very fortunate at the moment that the rising Earth energies mean we can clear all this stuff quicker than we have ever done before!

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

There’s a new program that launched on Friday  15th January – The Abundant Mystic: 21-Days to TRUE Prosperity — that will literally transform your relationship with money and abundance — and it won’t cost you a cent!

It’s a 21-day teleseminar series featuring amazing Abundance Experts like: Marci Shimoff and Marie Diamond from the Secret, Marc Allen, Guy Finley, Sonia Choquette and many, many more. Twenty-one Prosperity Pros to be exact!

Click on the link below:

Abundant Mystic FREE Teleseminars

And it truly won’t cost you a penny.

I have just finished listening to the 2nd one, which was with Guy Finley. I really enjoyed his practical, no-nonsense approach and the idea that we are all perfect beings just as we are. True abundance really does come from within.

What a refreshing change on the usual perspective on abundance!

Just enter your name and email into the form at the top of the page and you’ll get access to the daily recordings that started  on Friday, January 15th.

And in case you didn’t already know it, the program launch date was specifically chosen because it’s an astrologically auspicious day to create new intentions and make big changes in your life — like shifting your relationship with prosperity into high gear!

On January 15th, there was the first New Moon of the year AND the decade (great for new beginnings), there was a Solar Eclipse (good financially) and Mercury went direct (improving all forms of communication).

The stars are definitely lining up to help you turn up the volume on your abundance.

So if you’ve ever wanted to change your beliefs or relationship to money and abundance, NOW is the time and THIS is the program!

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

Clear Limiting Beliefs and Blocks to Success

Following on the theme of Clearing Out the Old and Welcoming in the New, there are a few very effective things you can do to make sure that you have well and truly let go of any old stuff that may still be hampering you in your Success efforts today.

We have just had a NEW MOON on 15th January 2010. This was enhanced by a very rare solar eclipse, which unfortunately we were not able to see in Northern Europe.

The NEW MOON is about new beginnings. Having let go of the things that do not serve you, now is the time to set in motion the new plans and dreams for the coming year.

If you are holding on to Anger or Frustration or Resentment or Guilt or Shame or Pain in any Negative form about a person or a situation from the past, then  that may be stopping you from moving forward with your new goals, plans and intentions for 2010.

One incident may be the start of a repeating pattern, where a similar situation has happened on numerous occasions with different people. However, the energy of the situations and the feelings you had about it and yourself will often be very similar.

So, for example, a current situation around a lack of money flow may have a lot to do with unhelpful feelings from experiences in your childhood.

The good news is that this stuff is quite easy to identify and clear. We are also now helped by the Triple auspicious Full Moon that we had on 31^st December 2009 and also by the fact that the energies on the Earth are accelerating.

This means that releasing “old stuff” can be done faster than ever and we can manifest the things of our choosing faster than ever before.

When doing any sort of clearing work, one of the most important things to do is to really allow yourself to get into the FEELING of the matter. The FEELING is even more important than the person or the situation, although that can be a good trigger to get you started.

Get yourself a JOURNAL, which is going to be for your eyes only.

1)     Set an intention that you will allow yourself to quickly and easily identify and release whatever may be holding you back in any area of your life.

2)     Think about something you would like in your life and ask yourself “Why don’t I yet have what I want?” and listen for the answers that are coming. You may want to add onto that “Whose fault is it?” That is often a good question for stirring up old feelings and buried FEELINGS.

3)     As the answers come up, write them down, especially how you FEEL about this situation or any people that are involved. Let yourself really experience those feelings in your body.

4)     Keep writing until you feel those initial feelings start to subside and then notice what is underneath.

5)     Ask yourself “What beliefs do I hold about myself for all this to be true?” The answers will bubble up very quickly.

I started the process in December in a slightly different way. I started with my childhood and simply wrote about my family, my childhood, the experiences of growing up and the main people and situations that had affected me.

Almost immediately I saw a pattern emerging of how I had felt and I could see repetitions of those same feelings right into my adult life today.

These were my perceptions and I am sure my family did not intend for me to react and feel that way.

Very quickly feelings of being unloved, unwanted, not deserving of attention, always being in the way, being a financial burden to people around me began to surface. This was accompanied by feelings of not being listened to, of not matching up to the expectations of my family and a good dose of anger and resentment.

What also began to emerge was not feeling valued by others and subsequently not having valued myself in my working life and personal relationships.

The word that sprang to mind for me was ABUSE.

As a child I had felt powerless and not able to stand up for myself in what might be termed “abusive” situations, where people had shouted at me or criticised me or not supported me.

As an adult, I seemed to attract working situations where I allowed other people to determine my income and whether I would get paid or not and allowed others to take from me and put up with quite intolerable “abusive” situations.

Personal relationships, prior to meeting my wonderful husband Greg, had been very similar. I had put myself in situations where I had agreed to things when I really wanted to run a mile in the opposite direction and had put myself in situations where I had allowed others to “abuse” me or failing that where I could “abuse” myself.

Once I was able to VENT all of this in my JOURNAL, I could then move to the next step.

6)     You can then make a choice as to whether you want to hang onto those feelings or whether you want to let them go. It really is that simple.

If there are other people involved, you probably won’t be able to change them or their attitude, although once you start clearing work on yourself, you may well be very surprised at the effect it has on other people. I know I was!

You cannot change the events of the past; however you can choose whether or not you want to carry around the emotional pain of those events any longer.

7)     Burn the Journals or get rid of them. Once you have released those feelings, you don’t really want to go back over them.

8)     Clear away any residual with some gentle relaxations and meditations. The Pen and Paper exercises and the meditations work very well together because they can help to clear and release even the deepest rooted beliefs. Sometimes you may not want to bring old stuff into your awareness and that is absolutely fine or it may be that some of the memories require professional help to deal with. If that is the case, seek the help you need.

I have been helping people to identify and clear limiting beliefs for some time now, with some fantastic successes, ranging from Becky who cleared her fear in order to accomplish her dream of skydiving, to Jayne who changed careers from a prison officer to a hypnotherapist to many others who have cleared away limiting beliefs in order to do magical things in their lives.

I have put together a short video for you that explains a bit more about Limiting Beliefs and how to identify and Clear them.

I have put together a very special package of ALL of my most powerful CLEARING materials, including the audios from my Personal CHANGING LIVES COACHING PROGRAMME, my best-selling CLEAR LIMITING BELIEFS AUDIO RELAXTION, as well as a powerful meditation to clear unhelpful beliefs that have come down through the generations.

For more information, please check out the links below.

Clear Limiting Beliefs NOW!

Take advantage of the fast moving energies at the moment to quickly and easily clear away anything that does not serve you, so you can set your Intentions for 2010 and confidently expect them to come to you, easily and effortlessly, without being hampered by the lingering effects of old, non-serving stuff.

Wipe the slate clean and stride confidently into the new decade!

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

Thank you everyone for your comments and emails in response to my last blog post about my Nan and how I have have healed my own grief.

I have been truly amazed at how fast I have been able to do this.

I have shed so many tears for her over the last 10 years and every time she was ill, I would cry my heart out because I was convinced I would never see her again.

Now she has finally passed away, the grief was just as strong and painful.

Aside from endless hours of crying, which is hugely important,  there have been three thing that have helped me in this process:

1) My journal – where I written down all my feelings as they have come up, no matter what they were and how painful or challenging they were. I have covered every aspect I can possibly think of my relationship with my Nan and let everything pour onto the pages.

I have allowed myself to experience every single one of those emotions in my body, until they subsided of their own accord and I could move onto the next one.

2) The Book “How to Cope With Grief and Loss” by Dr Maurice Turmel PhD, who is  practising psychologist and therapist, with over 25 years experience of healing people deal with bereavement.

As I worked my way through the book, I was able to deal with all the different emotions that arose, from the sadness to the questions of Why?, to the sense of isolation and anger.

The chapters on dealing with the anger I was feeling, not only at my Nan for passing away and leaving me, but also the anger and self blame I felt against myself, for not being able to do more to help her or to prevent her death.

This is a really outstanding book and I would highly recommend it.

You can get your copy of How to Cope with Grief and Loss by clicking here.

3) My audio relaxation recording- “Relaxation for the Bereaved – Heal the Grief” - I created this a few years ago to help a friend through the sad loss of a personal friend. I decided I would start using my own resources and I am very glad that I did.

It is a deep relaxation, that helped me release all the different emotions I was feeling from the places in my body where I had stored them.

My favourite part is definitely where I could reconnect with my Nan by the healing waters of a special place. Her message to me was so wonderful and I felt such a sense of love and peace.

I had the best nights sleep since the day she died.

You can get your copy of “Relaxation for the Bereaved- Heal the Grief” by clicking here.

These resources helped me through my grief over losing my Nan. I hope they can help you as well through the pain of your loss and your sadness.

With abundant blessings.

Amanda Goldston

As many of you know, I lost my beloved Nan just before Christmas.

Thank you for your messages of support and comfort.

Her funeral was on New Year’s Eve, 31st December, 2009. This was the same day that my Grandad, her husband, had died 14 years ago and was the day of the Triple FULL MOON, which was all about endings and new beginnings.

In the end I chose not to go to her funeral, partly because of concerns over the snow, ice and ungritted roads and partly because I really did not think I would be able to control myself emotionally and not end up in as a total gibbering wreck in the corner.

This was especially compounded by the fact that the after-funeral gathering was to be held at her house, where I had spent most of my childhood and all the happy family Christmas holidays of years gone by.

I really dislike funerals. I know they serve the purpose of a final good-bye to the person’s physical body, but do they really have to be so sad?

I remember years ago, I went with my Nan to see her brother, who had just died and was laid out in the Chapel of Rest at the Funeral Director’s Building. I thought at the time how “plastic” and “artificial” he looked and vowed then, I would never do that again!

For ages afterwards, whenever I thought of him, that image in the Chapel of Rest came to mind. That was not him, that was not the quirky, fun-loving, ex-soldier that I remembered.

My Nan had been my rock all my life. I had spent most of many childhood with her and she was the person who had always provided a stabilising influence in my life.

I felt I needed to remember her in my own private way and to deal with my grief over her passing in my own way, which is what I have been doing.

I realised I was bottling up my feelings and I was not dealing with them, I was pushing the feelings back down and finding something more “constructive” to do rather than crying.

A friend kindly sent me a book about healing grief and one of the first things it said was about allowing all of those emotions to be fully expressed in my body and being- so, in other words, let myself cry until I could cry no more.

I got my journal out and started to write. I wanted to know what was I really feeling and what was underneath this sadness.

As I started to write, all sorts of things started to come up.

There were wonderful childhood memories of playing in  the hay fields, my Nan pushing me on the swing in the park, of days on the beach in the summer, of Nan making cakes in the kitchen and me and my cousin fighting over who was going to scrape out the remnants of cake mixture from the bowl, of Christmas Day lunches for 14, of Nan welcoming my friends and boyfriends into her home, of tea and biscuits or home-made cake in the kitchen and floods of other memories.

There were other things that then started to float to the surface of times when I had not treated her very well, or when I had been rude or ungracious or ungrateful or had taken her for granted or treated her less than kindly.

Interestingly, I don’t recall that she ever criticised or judged me or even reprimanded me for bad behaviour. Her unconditional love never seemed to change.

Underneath the sorrow for her loss was then my own feelings of guilt, of self-blame, of recrimination and feeling like a very bad person for the the way I had sometimes treated her and some of the things I had done.

One of the interesting chapters I had read in my friend’s book was that “it takes two to tango,” meaning that my Nan had been a willing party in our whole relationship. For her own reasons, she had also allowed the relationship to develop and unfold as it did. This included all the good times and the not do good times.

Once I was able to come to that realisation, the whole room was filled with a deep sense of love and peace. My Nan was with me as we were working through this process together. I could feel her presence, I could hear her words and I could feel this immense love coming from her.

I don’t know what her reasons or motivations were for putting up with me. However we both played a part in the dance of life that we had chosen before we incarnated in this lifetime.

As I continued to write, I realised that I was very angry with my Nan for leaving me and passing on. How dare she leave? She has left a huge whole that no-one else could possibly fill?

As the anger passed through me, I realised I was also angry at myself.

Perhaps I could have done more for her when she lived with us from 1996 – 2001, perhaps I could have helped her more and got her moving after she fell over on Christmas Day 2000, perhaps I could have made her feel more welcome? Perhaps? Perhaps? Perhaps?

We were starting to get into a really uncomfortable place now and the call of a cup of coffee or a dog walk or something other than this painful exploration process, was calling very strongly to me!

It is a very good job that this journal is for my eyes only!

I finally came to a point where the tears had eased, the intense feelings and emotions seemed to have subsided and nothing more was coming out of my pen. I felt totally drained and totally exhausted.

The final words I worte in my journal were, “I am sorry for all the things I have done, please forgive me , I love you so much and I am so grateful that you have been a part of my life.”  The answer that I heard back was “All is well, I love you!”

I then found myself reaching for  a meditation that I created several years ago, called “Relaxation for the Bereaved- Heal the Grief.”

As the relaxation moved through the energy centres, I could feel all the remnants of anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration and unspoken words gently leaving me.

Writing is one thing for releasing, feeling them dissolve is quite another.

Although my Nan had been with me through the whole writing process, it was lovely to meet her again and see her in the beautiful healing surroundings of a special place and feel surrounded by love and peace.

No doubt, there will still be tears when I think of my Nan, however I feel that I have been able to release the intensity of the negative emotions. My healing journey has moved on quite considerably.

I feel that I have made my peace with her, that everythign that needed to be said has been said and that I can remember her from a place of joy and laughter – and of course, the world’s most yummiest chocolate cake ever!

Thank you, Nan for everything you have contributed to my life.  I love you and I am so grateful to you.

Rest in Peace.

Amanda