Dec 30 2009
Out With The Old and In With The New
Out With The Old and In With The New
Well, as 2009 draws to a close, this is a time for reflection on the year that has gone and for celebration of the New Year to come.
2009 has certainly been a challenging year for the Goldston family. We seem to have struggled with money all year. It has been a year of really tightening the purse strings and reducing the household budget to a minimum.
Yet we have survived. We are still all here to tell the tale. Interestingly, although we seem to have had an almost day to day existence, money seems to have always showed up exactly as we have needed it.
Having said that, I was looking back through the diary and I have been quite amazed at how much we have done on a shoestring budget.
There have been several cinema trips to see great films (in the UK, Orange mobile phone network do a 2-4-1 offer on all cinema tickets on a Wednesday), we have had picnics and fantastic dog walks, the girls have done dancing and trampolining, dancing and various other activities with home education groups and a fantastic trip to see an outdoor theatre production of “Wind in the Willows” – completed, quite naturally, under the torrential rain of British Summer!
The Italian student who was staying with us at the time really could not quite see the appeal of shaking with the cold and trying to eat soggy sandwiches and even soggier salad!
Money Lessons
So, what have we learnt from all this? I think the biggest thing has been far better money management. We have managed on the cash that we have had at any given moment and we have had to plan very carefully what we have bought and whether we really desperately needed “it”, whatever that might be.
In some senses, we have stopped dreaming and wanting and in other senses, we have really had to be very clear on priorities. I think it has taught all of us to be more prudent.
At times it has been quite a temptation to say the fatal dream-killing phrase- “No, we can’t afford it!” and sometimes it has been a struggle to focus on “how can we do that?” If something has been REALLY important, then it has happened- somehow, by hook or by crook, with a good dose of Universal Divine intervention from time to time!
There has been a lot greater co-operation between us as a family as we have worked together to make something happen – and then made sure that we have really enjoyed it.
YES TO
During December, we started to focus on what we could say YES to. A lot of these were quite simple things, such as all bills being paid easily, buying some Christmas presents, phone top-ups, an enjoyable Christmas Carol service, fun and laughter in the house, paying for children’s exams, finding gorgeous advent calendars and catching up with bills from the previous month.
I have to say this worked remarkably well and we have had great satisfaction from crossing things off the list as we have been able to do them.
During December I have been really looking at myself and wondering what I can do to turn all of this around. Focusing on what we can say YES TO and focusing on the more positive aspects of life has certainly helped.
Toxic People
I also began to review the people that I have spent a lot of time with over the last year and noticed that my financial problems seemed to mirror theirs and their problems seemed to mirror mine. So, it was probably a mutual reflection of lack mentality!
However I also started to observe how I felt when I had finished conversations with and mostly we had gone round and round in negative stuff and I felt pretty rotten. I decided I needed to have a “negative, draining people detox” and that has been one of the hardest things I have done this year!
I have had to have a really good look inside myself and look at the beliefs I am holding about myself, money, abundance, opportunities and life in general because those beliefs are reflected in the people and opportunities I have attracted into my life.
Some of it has not been very pretty!
I have been very fortunate to have a very wise teacher come into my life in December and I will tell you more about him in due course.
Healing, Releasing and Cleansing
He is taking me through a programme of feeling-based healing and clearing and it is very long overdue!
I have been busy journaling about my childhood and my adolescence and things that made me angry and upset, as well as how I felt about absolutely everything.
So far I am on my fourth journal book!
I have done these kinds of exercises before, yet somehow they were intellectual exercises. I had never really got in touch with the deep-rooted feelings of anger, resentment, feeling unwanted and unloved and abandoned and all the other feelings of inadequacy and not being worthy or deserving of anything wonderful in life.
This is actually a very therapeutic exercise to do and I would highly recommend it for getting rid of old, unhelpful beliefs and stuff that you really don’t need.
It is important to get in touch with the feelings and allow yourself to actually feel them. You may find that thinking of a particular person or a situation will trigger off all the memories. The feelings around that event are more important than the event itself.
Let yourself VENT in your journal!
Whatever you wanted to say to the person or people involved at the time, say it in your journal, with every choice expletive you can think of! This journal is for your eyes only and you will probably want to burn it when you have finished.
One person from my childhood took up several dozen pages of my 30 years of suppressed venom! As I wrote I felt the anger and pain increase and it is important to keep writing and express every last ounce of it, as best you can in words.
Once I had exhausted myself and my choice of words, the anger started to subside and I actually began to feel a sense of compassion and understanding for why they acted liked they did. Yes, that totally blew me away!
I came to realise that I could not change what had happened and that person will probably never explore themselves enough to make any changes. However, I do not need to carry around that pain any longer as it does not serve me and has probably greatly contributed to my weight problems over the years. No, that does not mean I have to like that person, however I can now separate me from them!
It is so powerful to clear away old stuff from the past. It is only by freeing ourselves from the baggage of the past that we can then really make contact with those Higher Aspects of ourselves, such as intuition, inspiration and creativity.
Let Go of What DOES NOT SERVE You
I have been helping other people to clear limiting beliefs for some time and I now realise that where we have had the greatest breakthroughs has been where people have allowed themselves to clear away the negative feelings behind the beliefs, rather than it being merely a superficial, intellectual, surface exploration.
Once I started to open myself up to letting go of things that do not serve me, some interesting questions started to emerge, such as “Why I am holding onto the stress of worrying about debts and money and the mortgage and whether or not we are going to lose to house and whether we need to go down the bankruptcy route?” and “How does that really serve me other than to block off my creativity and cause me to be irritable and bad tempered?”
Money and Home
The answer is that none of that serves me. Maybe bankruptcy is the ultimate release, the ultimate starting again and perhaps it is time to let go of this old house that needs a lot of money spending on it in a top-to-bottom renovation.
Once I came to a place of being willing to totally let go and surrender myself to the Highest and Best Outcome, I felt a sense of calm and peace come over me and options started to present themselves. Once I had come to terms with what might be the worst possible eventuality, other possibilities started to pop in my head and I found myself much calmer as I was writing letters to banks and other hassling people.
Death of My Nan
Just before Christmas, my beloved Nan died, after a long illness and I can tell you, it is no fun when you are wrapping Christmas presents and trying to get into the Christmas Spirit, with cheesy Christmas songs playing wherever you go, when you feel like your heart is breaking!
Nan has had pages and pages devoted to her in my journal as I have tried to come to terms with the very mixed feelings I had about her and her life. Up until about 10 years ago, she was an incredibly active lady. She still cooked and cleaned and looked after the children, as well as flying half way round the world (twice) to see her other daughter and family.
She was a total inspiration, with huge amounts of energy and time for everyone. She lived life to the full and when she felt tired, she sat down for a little nap.
On Christmas Day 2000, she fell in the bath and cracked her fibula bone at the top of her knee. She spent a few weeks with a splint and never walked unaided again after that. It was as though she gave up on life and seemed to want nothing more than to sit in her chair and have everyone take care of her.
It was so sad to see this once vibrant woman deteriorate over that time. She went into a nursing home in December 2001 and in time, her not wanting to do anything turned into her being totally unable to do anything and her health deteriorated considerably, with this last year being the very worst.
Inspiration
I remember her as one of the biggest inspirations of my childhood. She was so strong and so capable, yet always had welcoming arms for a big hug.
She was the only person that I felt was a stable, consistent support for me as I was growing. She never once judged my dreams or told me that something was not possible. Although her comments were often a rather non-committal, “that’s nice, dear” there was never any criticism or lack of encouragement.
She calmly took everything in her stride, even when I shouted at my Grandad for his lack of patience with teaching me to drive or my temper or my ingratitude!
There were always welcoming arms and a nice cup of tea and a biscuit or a piece of home-made cake to make anything better – from bruised knees to a broken heart!
Life and Death really does go in cycles
Nanny died on 21st December 2009 and on 23rd December 2009, my cousin’s wife gave birth to a baby boy! Nan’s funeral is on New Year’s Eve, 14 years to the day when my Grandad, her husband died, when I was pregnant with my second daughter!
Blessings and Abundance
As 2009 draws to an end, we can close the chapter on the highs and lows of that year and look forward to 2010. This is a year where I am going to concentrating much more on really experiencing the FEELING of everything I am doing.
As I have been clearing out the old stuff, I have realised how truly blessed I am with a wonderful family, a fantastic husband, amazing kids (and a mad rottweiler that totally fits in with the family!) and how much real abundance I have in my life.
Intentions and Focus for 2010
In 2010 I shall be focusing on things which give me real pleasure and are so much fun to do, such as writing and creating tarot based products. I have got loads of ideas that I am working on.
I have decided to give the Universe some instructions to bring me the exact right people who can help with the marketing and promotion of my products and attracting film makers and TV people to me.
This can free me up to do what I love to do, which is to CREATE!
In 2010 I am going to be working to my strengths and delegating the rest to people who love those things, so that we can create win-win situations for everyone.
As Joseph Campbell said, “Follow Your Bliss!” and that is what I am going to be doing in 2010.
Wishing you a wonderful New Year and a fantastic 2010.
With abundant blessings.
Amanda Goldston
Tarot Author and Coach
